Day 50

All the seeds are in the ground for the most part, but I just realized that I may not be here to reap the harvests of all my hard work since I just had an interview to teach English in the Middle East and will possibly be moving there in 2 months once my Visa is processed. Wow, this is a pretty big step going from this, middle of nowhere survival game, to a 2mill metro in a foreign desert. I am very excited about this new gig, and greatly relieved that my prayers have been answered and I have found a job. Not only that, but it had provided some psychological value to the temporal viewpoints relating to my life goals and present feelings of accomplishment and success. I would like to blame everything on the cosmos, but I have learned a hard lesson, albeit, it is not over, but the determination to persist and overcome has never been greater than some of the moments I faced in isolation here at my shack. The 1mile commute just to get to my vehicle was only the beginning. Now that I can see a way out, I would like to reflect on the challenges that I found most abdominable:

Sourcing water from my snow filter

Sourcing rabbits for food

Keeping my fireplace lit almost the entire time

Sourcing wood to keep my fire going (burning about 20 blocks every 24 hrs)

Cooking on my woodstove (without a thermogauge one gets good at knowing cooking temp)

Passing time without light at night

No microwave

No fridge

No freezer

No shower or bath, but heat water with woodstove and use a rag.

Having to wakeup 2 to 3 times a night to stoke fire.

Chopping wood for fire.

Shovelling snow for walkways and garden plot.

No tv or washing machine. Had to handwash clothes.

Facing the criticism from my peers and community who possibly viewed me as uncouth, sloppy, a loser living in the woods, someone without direction, a bum, useless, or any other negative perceptions of the ignorant.

Managing my trash, recycling

Shoveling off my roof

Charging my phone with a solar battery and moving my solar charger to find hot spots.

Not becoming lazy, giving up, or losing faith was very hard.

Finding meaning to it all and being persistent to overcome the polarity of the seasons was the most difficult. Given the situation of unemployment and without a viable credit option amd limited transport, having to kill time offered creative ways to find meaning in life. I was able to expand my craftmanship by tooling on projects that to an outsider would seem foolish or useless. I was able to explore my own possibilities for alternative sourcing and test my survival competency amidst pressures of failure and external criticism. I was able to take pride in my work at a very humble level because it was never acknowledged, recognized, or rewarded. I was able to learn alot about the spirit, religion, cosmos, hedonism, pornography, the sacred, profane, nature, and the struggle to find balance and harmony within myself and the space I shared with the animals of the forest including the moose, deer, coyotes, pileated woodpecker, chickadees, nuthatch, titmouses, ravens, beaver, and the grosbeaks when they came.

Being utterly self conscious heightened my own psychological awareness of my situation and the challenges, in retrospect, may have all been a creation of my ego to fool my id, and to impose terror and fear of success and failure as the only two real options, when in reality I had plenty of outs the whole time. Does this mean that I am a glutton for punishment or some sort of maniacal adventurer who cannot resist the possibility of a challenge???

Given that in many ways I have had plenty of time to plan and mull on the subject, I did a cross analysis against some notes I was makibg on game theory and the possibilities of no win scenarios. As both a ruler and a player, I was subject to omniscient bias, and as such, intentionally refused any donations or easy outs to test the theory at an unbiased truly level playing field.

Other things to look back on when you are overseas…..

The amazing trees
The deep blankets of snow
The quiet of the night
The light of the moon
The hum of the warm stove
The chickadees chittering
The squirrel outside your door
The howling yotes
The honking geese

My new journey is still faraway, but I am going to be in a much different world than I am in now. The things, jobs, chores, and activities that make up my life are going to be completely changed in my new environment, recomposing my life into a realm of new challenges and possibilities. How will the struggles of my new place compare to my current ones? How will my new pleasures and joys be achieved compared to my current ones? What environment will I enjoy more?

Given your prior challenges risks and rewards, how do these two different environments and their risks and rewards, measure up?

Are there any absolutes or is it all just fleeting desire?

Whats next?

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